


and i came to tears (thinking of you)

by stuckonyou



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (that angel that said cas was lost the second he laid a hand on dean in hell), 15x18 dragged me back into supernatural after 4 years of peace and now i'm stuck here, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Epistolary, M/M, Mentions of Chuck - Freeform, No Plot/Plotless, Not A Happy Ending, Post-Season/Series 11, Rating for Language, also not relevant here but dean is nonbinary, here we are, i am legitimately sad over destiel in 2020, i just think dean is very Gender, mentions of Rowena, mentions of crowley - Freeform, mentions of hester, mentions of lucifer, not really relevant here but dean and cas are both gay i am a gay dean truther, not where i thought my life was headed but, yes this is me projecting because i am nonbinary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 09:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27848366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckonyou/pseuds/stuckonyou
Summary: Letters sent and not sent between Sam, Cas, and Dean, some time after season 11.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	and i came to tears (thinking of you)

**Author's Note:**

> okay like the last thing i posted this is something that i wrote years ago, i think i was maybe 14 or 15 when i wrote it, i just found the notebook where i wrote it a few days ago, and frankly i don't hate it. i know i had some idea of a plot when i was writing it, but it didn't come through much in what i had so i don't think it matters. i edited the last few letters a bit as i was typing them so i think there's a bit of a noticeable difference in quality but the idea is kinda the same. also for clarification, cas only sends the first letter to dean, dean never sends any, and all of the ones between sam and cas are sent. title from unconditional by matt maeson.

Dean,

I know that you don’t feel the same way, but I need you to know. I love you. I’m in love with you. I have loved you since the moment I pulled you out of Hell. I have seen every part of your soul, I have pieced them together and I love you all the more. You say that I am like a brother to you, and it breaks my heart every time. I fall for you more, and more, and more every day, and you just drift further away from me. It gets harder to hide my feelings, and the one time I almost snapped was in Purgatory. You stayed for so long trying to find me, you told me that you needed me, you didn’t understand why I had to leave you. It was horrible, seeing you with hope in your eyes after so long, knowing that I would be the one to take it all away. You won’t be hearing from me again. You don’t need to worry about me. I just thought you deserved an explanation before I go. I will always love you.

May we meet again in another life.

Castiel

\----------

Castiel,

I was an idiot. God, I was so damn stupid. For years, I treated you like crap. I could’ve done so much better for you. I should have. You deserve so much better than the bullshit you’ve gotten from us. No, not us. From me. Even this letter, it’s probably one of the most selfish things I’ve ever done. The point of this was to tell you that I love you, but that’s not fair. You always deserved more than someone like me. I told you that you were my brother. That was the stupidest damn thing I’ve ever done. I haven’t been in love before, not really. I didn’t know how it felt. I fucked up, I confused how I felt about you, how I still feel about you, with wanting to be friends. I should’ve known I was wrong. I should’ve told you how I felt right then and there, while we still had time. It doesn’t matter. If anything, I should have listened to you. I should have let you tell me why you said yes. Why you even considered it. I didn’t even let you speak. You didn’t need to say anything though. I already know that it was my fault. I was just too scared to admit it. I don’t think I’m going to let you read this. It wouldn’t be fair to you. You would probably be happier not knowing. I don’t want to take that chance.

I’m sorry. I really am.

Dean

\----------

Cas,

I got your letter. I wish I knew. I still haven’t sent mine, I won’t send this either. I haven’t told Sam why you left. He’s worried, though. I think he’ll figure it out on his own soon enough. I’m pretty sure he already knows. You said that Purgatory is where you almost snapped. It was the same for me. If Benny wasn’t there, god knows what I would’ve done. Hell, if it had taken any longer to find you, I would’ve done _something_. That was years ago. I still regret it. Please, don’t ask me to stop worrying about you. Over the years, I’ve realized that you don’t worry about yourself. Not properly. But someone should. Someone always should. I never worried about you enough. I was always too selfish. Always.

I’ll never forgive myself for that.

Dean

\----------  
Cas,

This is the third letter I’m writing that you’ll never see. You sent me the one, and I haven’t heard from you since. Just this once, I was hoping you lied. If that entire letter was a lie, it would be easier. Even if you don’t love me, at least I could see you again. It would hurt like hell, but if you were happy, that would be worth it. It would make more sense, too. I still don’t understand how you could love me. After everything I put you through, all the crap you got from me, because of me, how could you not hate me? I never took your problems seriously. Your war with Raphael, losing your grace and becoming human, I even left you alone with Meg when you took on Sam’s hallucinations from Hell. I am the reason it took you so long to get your grace back. Even before that, you rebelled for me. You said it yourself, you did it all for me. You had a chance to be happy in Heaven, no matter how much you doubted your orders. You could’ve been happy. You would’ve been safe. I took that away from you. I ruined your life.

Dean

\----------

Cas,

I think I tried to write to you again yesterday. I can’t tell. I don’t remember much. Nothing more than anger and sadness, this weight on my chest that won’t go away. I don’t know who I’m more pissed at. Myself, for driving you away, or you, for actually leaving. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. You shouldn’t have left. You never had to leave the bunker for a better life. For a happier life. You could’ve had it. Here. With us. I’m sorry that you couldn’t see it. That we couldn’t prove it. That I couldn’t. Maybe you’ll come back. Maybe I’ll stop waiting. I don’t see either of those happening anytime soon, though. If you decide to come back, we’ll be here. We’ll wait. We always will.

I always will.

Dean

\----------

Cas,

I don’t know where you went, but I know you’re not coming back. I also know that you told Dean, but he’s trying to act like nothing’s wrong. It’s worse than when he had the Mark. He’s out of control. He’s going to get himself killed. I don’t know what to do. I’m worried about him, Cas. I’m worried about you too. We need you back, man. It’s been hard trying to figure this out. I just wish you told me why. I know it has something to do with Dean, but he won’t say anything. Please, if you can’t tell me why you left, at least let me know that you’re safe. That you’re alive. You don’t need to write back. Just send some kind of sign. Please. I won’t tell Dean, not if you don’t want me to.

We love you, Cas. We’ll wait for you. Don’t forget that.

Sam

\----------

Sam,

I know you said I didn’t need to respond, but I felt that I should be the one to tell you why I left. You were right. It was because of Dean. I sent him a letter explaining everything, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you as well. The truth is that I’m in love with him. I have been for years, and I’ve just recently accepted that he will never love me back, at least not in the same way. I had to tell him, but I didn’t want to see how he’d react. I know that if nothing else, I would be disappointed, and he would be uncomfortable around me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I thought it would be unfair to burden you with this. Please don’t tell Dean we’ve spoken. I don’t want to upset him more, I don’t want him to do anything stupid because of me. And I know this goes without saying, but please, look out for him. Don’t let him die before his time. Take care of yourself too. I’ll do what I can to protect you from what’s coming.

Be careful. Stay safe.

Castiel

\----------

Cas,

It’s been a few months since you left. You still haven’t said anything. I haven’t told Sam yet, but I think he knows. I’ve been trying to distract myself, hunting more than usual. Probably too much. At least, that’s what Sam thinks. I can’t stay still, though. I can’t let myself think. Outside these letters, I don’t let myself feel it. I’m not feeling much of anything these days. I know i’m going to get myself killed, but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t want to care. You won’t ever know how it’s going here, but that’s a good thing. I don’t want you worrying about us. God knows we didn’t worry about you. We’re here, though. If you ever want to come back. Remember that. Live your life, though. If you have a chance at happiness, take it.

Be safe, Cas. Be happy.

Dean

\----------

Hey Cas,

It’s been too long. I’m starting to forget you. All the little things. The things that make you who you are. I know it’s not your body, not really, but it’s still you. I can’t remember the exact blue of your eyes. The look on your face the first time you ate a burger. The day you met Charlie. That sparkle in your eyes every time I make a crappy joke, your little smirk when you tried not to laugh. I’m scared, Cas. I’m fucking terrified. I want to remember. I need to remember. I just want to go out and find you. I couldn’t do that to you, but fuck if I don’t want to. I wouldn’t come back without you. I would stay as long as it takes to convince you to come home.

You said we could meet again in another life. I hope so.

Dean

\----------

Cas,

You need to come back. Now. Dean has been hunting on his own too much, always coming back covered in blood. I was worried about him, so when he was out yesterday, I was looking around his room. I found the letter you wrote him, but he wrote to you too. I found six letters, and I’m sure there were more. I didn’t read most of them, but the first was before you left. It was almost exactly the same as what you said. He said he feels like shit for how we treated you. He said he was always too selfish, that even writing a letter you never would’ve seen was the most selfish thing he’s done. He kept saying he would never send the letters, but he still thought you would know how he’s feeling. But he said he loves you. He wanted to tell you earlier, but he panicked. He would’ve said something, or maybe even sent the letter, but he was scared. For himself, for the risk of getting his heart broken, yeah, but mostly for you. He didn’t want to hurt you.

He just wanted you to be happy. No matter what.

Sam

\----------

Castiel,

I never got used to calling you that. It made you seem too strong, too different, too far off from humanity. The first time we met, I thought you would be my destruction. You pulled me out of Hell and I thought I was just another one of the needless weapons in Heaven’s arsenal, waiting for my chance to serve the “great cause.” That was before I knew you. You told me, of all people, that you doubted your orders. That was six weeks after we met. I wanted you to trust me, so I knew I had to start trusting you. To this day, I haven’t told a single person what you said. That was the first time I saw you as you really are; the one angel left who actually gave a fuck about humanity. It was around then that I realized I was falling for you. You told me once that you can find someone if their longing for you is strong enough. I guess that’s how you always managed to find me. You have to know how I feel by now. You know where I am, I’m not asking you to find me.

But please, Cas. Come back home. Come back to me. I love you. I miss you.

Dean

\----------

Sam,

I can’t come back. I want to, and I’m sorry, but it’s too late. Something’s coming. I don’t know what, exactly, but no one else knows or cares enough to try and stop it. I’m the last one standing. The only one. Don’t tell Dean. I don’t want him to know there was a chance. I think it would just hurt more. It should be easier by now, but it’s not. Not for me, not for Dean, and I can’t imagine any of this has been easy for you. And I’m sorry for that. I really am. I never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.

Cas

\----------

Dean,

It’s about a year now that I’ve been gone. I think I understand how you’re feeling now. I feel it too. Sam told me that you wrote me, and he told me what you said. I didn’t need him to. I haven’t really been gone the whole time. You know better than anyone that I can avoid being seen when I want to, so I’ve been checking in. Not much, just enough to make sure you’re okay. I said you wouldn't be hearing from me again. This time, I really mean it. I’m leaving for good now. I dont think I’ll actually leave this letter for you, I don’t think that would do any good. I told Sam that something was coming. I wasn’t lying. I don’t understand it, I doubt I’ll be able to stop it, but everything is in danger. I figured it’s worth a try. The other angels won’t do anything. Heaven is still in chaos because of Lucifer, and they won’t let me help. I guess I’ve screwed them over too many times. I keep changing my mind as to whether or not I should leave this for you. I just think it would do more harm than good. I said we might meet again in another life. You said you hoped we could. But I think I’m out of chances. Maybe we were never meant for a happy ending. But that’s okay. I know you. You’ll take some time, but I know that eventually, you’ll move on and be okay.

At least one of us will be.

 ~~Castiel~~ Cas

\----------

Cas,

I can’t help feeling like you just left. It’s been more than a year, and I thought it was getting easier. It’s not. I can feel it more than before, like I’m being torn apart from the inside. I can’t feel anything else, and I don’t know if I should be scared or relieved. I can’t help thinking that we were always headed for this. Since the day we met, nothing else could’ve happened. It was never your fault, though. It was mine. What Hester said all those years ago is true. The second you laid a hand on me in Hell you were lost. You fell because of me. It’s my fault. I’ve said it so many times, I’m poison. You never listened. If you did, maybe this could’ve been avoided. But then, maybe it couldn’t. You were always too kind, too passionate about humanity. It wasn’t a bad thing. Not at the beginning. Not until you figured out what the others were planning. Even that wasn’t all on them. Sure, they screwed up, but they were just doing what they thought was right. Still, someone else should’ve realized it wasn’t. Not just you. If they had figured it out, you would’ve been fine. You would’ve been fine. You would still be in heaven, you would be happy. Even if they hadn’t, even if _you_ hadn’t, I think you could’ve been happy.

I would probably still be in Hell, but that’s fine. It hurt less than this. It always has.

Dean

\----------

Cas,

It’s been two years. I thought it would be easier by now. It’s not. Two years, and it just keeps getting worse. I keep hearing about you, everything you’ve done since you left, all the people you’ve saved. Never standing still, always moving on. I guess you got that from us. For that, I’m sorry. For years, you’ve been too much like us. Like me. I can finally be sure about one thing though. I ruined you. You were a good person. No matter what they made you do, you were good. You never wanted to hurt anyone. You still don’t. But now, you’re trying too hard. I get that you want to help, but you’re killing yourself. Your power has limits. You told me so long ago that especially since Metatron, you can’t do what you could before. The only one who could do what you’re trying is CHuck, but he’s gone. He doesn’t want to be found. Neither do you, but I won’t give up. Everything you’re doing, it’s like you’re trying to be seen. Maybe you are. For months, I’ve been trying to figure out how to find you. There’s no pattern in where you go, what you do, any of it. Just that people need help. The only other thing I know for sure is that you haven’t come anywhere near Kansas. I’m still gonna look, though. I can’t let you go, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to.

I’ve given up hunting now. It’s just a distraction. I will find you.

Whatever it takes, Cas, I will always find you.

Dean

\----------

Dean,

I promised myself that I would stay away. That I would leave for good, maybe go back to Heaven, do something to fight whatever’s coming. I haven’t. I said before that I was always there, watching over you, the way I did all those years ago. I said that I would stop, that I would give you a chance to truly move on. It hasn’t worked. I could still feel your longing, your love, stronger than ever before. After all this time, I hoped that you could move on, that you could find happiness without me. I knew that I could never do the same, but I couldn’t help but to expect it from you. You have suffered so much, and yet have still been so strong all these years. I sometimes forget that you’re human, that you’re the righteous man, always stubborn about those you love. I had always been sure I was never a real part of that. I always assumed that you considered us to be little more than friends, and when you told me I was like a brother, I thought it was just to make me feel better. I assumed even after reading your letters and Sam’s that you could easily forget me. For that, I’m sorry. I have caused you too much pain with my coming and going. I can’t let that happen anymore.

Cas

\----------

Dean,

I finally tried going back to Heaven again today. I haven’t actually been back for so long, not since Lucifer. They wouldnt let me in. I don’t know why I was so surprised, it’s been so long since they actually wanted me there. The angels refused to even talk to me. They just barred the gates and at this point I’m surprised they didn’t kill me outright. After that, I went to Hell. Even they refused to see me, they didn’t want to let me in. Eventually I got through to see Crowley, but he wasn’t there. Not really. Rowena was on the throne. I don’t know how, but she has the demon’s loyalty. She isn’t even using magic, not on them. Only to control her son. It’s worse than with Lucifer, I think. Lucifer tried to break him, but Rowena actually did. I didn’t bother asking how. I can’t bring myself to care about anything else, anything other than you. I don’t think I have for a long time. I just miss you so much. It’s all I can do to stay away from you. I’ve been travelling the world, trying to stay away from the bunker, and help as many people as I can. It hasn’t been working well. So much of my life passed without you, and I was fine, I really was. But then I met you, everything changed, and I just can’t go back to how it was before. I don’t want to. I haven’t known you that long, not really, but you have changed me more than anyone else. There are always times I wish it hadn’t happened, that I wish it was another angel you pulled you out of Hell, so that maybe we could have both been spared the pain. But then I think, why would either of us have wanted to miss this? I’m better for having known you, and I like to think you are as well. Despite everything, the pain and the misery, the death and the despair, for a while, we were happy. For a brief time, there was a glimmer of light in the darkness. That light was always you. But now that I’ve left, now that you’re gone from me, I am surrounded. I am slowly being engulfed by the darkness and I cannot escape. ~~I don’t know if I want to escape I don’t know if I can it’s all too much I just can’t take it anymore wouldn’t it be easier if it was all over I just want it to be over I don’t want to feel it anymore just let me stop feeling this pain I can’t live like this please help me~~ I need you, Dean, I always have, but I want you to be happy, and I know that won’t happen if I’m anywhere near you. I know that I need to let you go, I really do, but I can still feel your longing and it hurts.

It’s a good pain though.

I will let you go soon. I promise.

Just not yet.

Not today.

Let me be selfish for just a bit longer.

Cas

**Author's Note:**

> (completely disregarded that sam would have no legitimate way of sending the letters if he didn't know where cas was so uhhhhhhhhhh just pretend sam prayed and cas responded in a letter) anyways i hope y'all liked it


End file.
